It was a spur of the moment thing. You know, one of those things that everyone thinks is a great idea, but nobody expects to happen. Except this time it did happen. So we went and retrieved the liquor bottle and skipped back inside as if we were absinthe fairies-but we aren't. So the games began. Drinks mixed with different flavors and conversations about which drinking game we should play occurred, but nothing really happened. The plan was that anyone not driving would be drinking. Isn't is silly to trust a teenage plan? Out of six, three drank. So that was my assumption. I'd be drunk with with my best friend and my girl and I'd have outrageous sex then sleep. As it turned out, I was the only one who ended up intoxicated. I use the term intoxicated becasue I feel "drunk" may not suit my purposes. That or I don't like the way it sounds. I dont know if it was the opportunity, the experience, or the understanding, but whatever it mya have been, I got it. I still maintain that it wouldn't have been as bad if I hadn't slid into the pool. But I also maintain that I wouldn't have gotten in if Jeff and Missy hadn't told me it was okay when I suggested it. I remember thinking, "I'm not like my mom. I'm not like my mom. I can still rationalize. I can stop. This isn't that great, why does she always do it? I'm not like my mom." That was the big thing I think. Subconsciously, I wanted to know why she felt the need to spend more than half of my life completely smashed. I've never had a mother, only a shell of a person. Amidst my thoughts I became aware that Pc and Beth had disappeared and I knew that at least Beth, in my mind, hated me then. Jeff and Missy assured me she wasn't angry, why would she be angry? But she was. When I finally...what finally happened? That's odd. I beleive I was in the room, on the bed, when she walked in. I'd switched to water because I was thirsty you see. I wanted to become sober. I didn't like the whole people-treating-me differently-even-though-I-could-still-think-clearly thing. So I got some water and was on the bed and she walked in. I don't remember exactly how it started. I know said "I don't understand." She started crying and all I could do was watch and barely touch her because I was afraid of what she'd do if I did. "I don't understand. Why did you feel the need to drink so much so fast? I've drank with you before. It wasn't like this. Why did you feel the need to tonight? You really scared me." I didn't know. I come up with the same answers now I could have then, but I think I followed with "I don't know" in the small voice I get when I feel like she could crush me if she wanted to. I don't like that voice. That voice comes with the conversations we have that are few and far between, but hurt me more than anything. It's funny how I don't think she's ever felt as small as I have. She told me that at one point when I was talking to her "You sounded like your mom". This is when I started to sob. I think it was from hurt that she could say that when I felt so unlike my mother because I could honestly still think coherently. Or maybe it was because I'd scared her and Pc. Maybe it was because I knew how my mom felt when I yelled at her and I had no control. Or maybe it was because I knew it was wrong but I had to do it and no one understood that. Whatever it was, I cried for a long time repeating how I don't want to be like my mom. My night has turned from fun to the complete opposite at some point, and I didn't know how. All I knew was that I was balling into my fiance's shoulder at 1 am drunk when I had work at 8:30. It hit me that no one that didn't care about me more than I will ever know would be crying with me or bothering at all. That was one of those times where you realize that no matter what, true love really will conquer all. Even your girlfriend's drunk trip to self discovery. I'm not sure, but I think I buried a lot of resentment with that bottle. Resentment and the better half(oddly enough the worst)of my life. I did gain a few things though. A stronger relationship, better understanding, and the experience-one that I never want again.